Blame it on the groundhog, Obama, global warming, or the “gay agenda,” but the fact of the matter is, we’re in the midst of another bone-chilling winter, albeit a bit later than usual.
Don’t get me wrong – winter isn’t all bad. I, for one, was dying to break in my new, Yankee-approved Sorel snow boots, and I love a heavy-knit cardigan. A snow-covered Central Park is basically Instagram porn. Plus, there’s always the added bonus of curling up on a chilly night with that special someone (looking at you, Netflix).
Love it or hate it, winter, much like a clingy ex (or so I’ve heard), has her icy grip firmly around our throats, and with that, comes a unique set of challenges for life in the City:
The Seamless Delivery Tip Increase
Unless you’re a better person than me, you probably still order Seamless when it’s snowing…or raining…or hot…or you don’t want to put on pants. What better time to have a hot(ish) meal delivered to your door than when it’s completely horrid outside? There is, of course, another side to that coin; namely, the poor soul that just rode his bike through several inches of snow to bring you your mozzarella sticks. Please tip accordingly.
Coat Check Hell
Cold weather means heavy coats, and coats mean coat checking at bars, unless you plan to sweat it out in a packed crowd or spend the night anxiously wondering if your Canada Goose down parka is still on the barstool where you left it. That impossibly long line isn’t for the bathroom, or even for the bar. No, it’s for coat check. And don’t worry – you’ll almost definitely be fresh out of singles when it’s your turn to pay the $2 fee.
Speaking of heavy winter apparel, I have a bone to pick with the Northeast. Is it really necessary for the thermostat’s heat setting to be kept at “f*ck you” all the time? It’s freezing outside and I’m wearing long johns; is a nice, moderate 74 degrees really so much to ask? Great. Now I’ve gone from being painfully cold to awkwardly sweating. The only thing worse than braving the artic tundra that is Manhattan is having to immediately strip off all your layers, lest you succumb to heat stroke.
Plan to Have No Plans
What’s that? You have somewhere to be? That’s cute. Under the most ideal of circumstances, the MTA is questionably reliable at best. Add ice and snow to the mix, and all bets are off. Buses and trains are late on a good day, and not running at all on a bad one. Cabs are few and far between, and a commodity at such a premium makes all those dreaded upstreamers come crawling out of the woodwork. Uber’s surge pricing and Lyft’s Prime Time pricing will surely be in full swing, too. Your best bet might just be to stay home, order in, and refer to item #1 from this list.
If the wet doesn’t get them, the salt will. Yes, those suede Ben Sherman oxfords would look perfect with those trousers, and yes, those Jimmy Choo pumps make your ass look great, but no amount of Scotchgard will save them from Mother Nature’s vindictive brown sidewalk slush. Put those showstoppers in a bag and make the schlep in boots, or better yet, save them for spring.
Ah, spring. I like the sound of that.