Featured image courtesy of Drew Villano Featured image courtesy of Drew Villano
By Drew Villano

If you have taken the train, chances are you’ve seen some pretty questionable shit. Some of it might even be worthy of a Twilight Zone episode, but it pales in comparison to what native New Yorkers have seen. We’ve been around long enough to see an extra-special version of insanity. Listed below are a few run-of-the-mill scenarios you’ll have the pleasure of witnessing on the NYC Subway.

Pooping/Peeing

While everyone knows the subways are filled with an airborne toxin reminiscent of evaporated piss, very few people have seen how this brand of black magic was made–or the immediate aftermath. Unfortunately I became part of that minority when I used the F train a while back. As soon as I got on the train, I could see a giant trail of liquid shit leading down the wall to a puddle in between two seats. The train was pretty crowded and though it smelled like the inside of a hobo’s asshole, the entertainment of watching people rush over to the only two “free” seats on the train only to discover the atrocity was well worth whatever diseases I probably inhaled.

Fighting

Not a little slap here, a push there, and then a person in the middle spreading their arms and going “calm down, guys.” I’m talking about a mush-your-face-into-the-window, punch-you-with-the-arm-that-isn’t-holding-my-baby all-out-brawl that no one is even attempting to get in the middle of.

Genitals

Probably a penis. Every native New Yorker has, at one point, had to look away from some disgusting weirdo’s sick dick that he’s waving at your face. There’s always a surreal moment of denial before realizing that the dude slouched over in the corner does, indeed, have his dick out and is waggling it at you.

Out of the corner of my eye, I once thought a man was holding a small bird in his lap. Nope. Penis. Another time, a guy actually pressed his junk up against the window by my face. And once, an old man actually rubbed his crotch against me in a vacant subway corridor. I still get Vietnam-like flashbacks from that event.

Child Abuse or Neglect

Sadly, even non-native New Yorkers who frequent the subways during rush hours have probably witnessed some sort of child abuse or neglect on the train. Whether it’s some irate teen mother slapping her sobbing baby or two parents too busy playing Angry Birds to pay any attention to their excluded kid, it happens all the time.

Someone Who May or May Not Be Dead

Are they asleep? Are they dead? You can’t tell…until the ambulance comes. Everyone’s seen drunken wastoids using the subway as an uncomfortable motel, but seasoned subway takers have most likely seen a person who is either dead or close to it. The majority of people I know who have grown up here have had this type of experience, from watching someone slump over and bite the bullet to noticing that that guy over there is, like, totally not breathing. The really scary part is that no one is doing anything about it.