By Jon Weidman

The government is shut down.

Butthurt GOP dickheads have decided that if they can’t flout the will of the electorate, they will simply dismantle ‘non-essential’ federal processes. Which is super funny, because I can’t think of anything more ‘non-essential’ than Ted Cruz. But whatever.

Politics has never interested me much, but laws have. And, I’m not totally happy with them. The complex web of what’s legal and illegal has always seemed illogical, inefficient, and stubbornly Puritanical. Sure, violent crimes are a total bummer, but there’s a whole lot of other behavior I would consider pretty innocuous that can (and has) put me in hot water.

So let’s use this vacuum of legislative power (I know not really…but just fucking indulge me) to change the way our laws work, for the better. If politicians don’t want to listen to us, why should we listen to them? Five changes for the much, much better:


This is a total no-brainer. Have you ever been to the Caribbean? On most of those wonderful islands you’re free to sip your overproof Guinness (seriously!) wherever you damn well please. This means you can bring your drink outside the bar, you can drink on the way to the liquor store, and you can even drink behind the wheel of a car! That’s actually not funny or legal, but I did once see a bus driver in Barbados chug two beers back-to-back and toss them out the window before pulling away with a van full of people. He seemed happy. You can also drink outside in New Orleans, and that’s pretty much the happiest place in America if you restrict yourself to tourist and hipster neighborhoods only. Don’t see why it can’t be that way everywhere else.


Okay, this one represents a bit of a personal beef, I’ll admit. I’ve had my license for less than a year and already had it suspended twice due to a disregard for the absurd notion that I should drive 65 fucking miles per hour on an empty flat stretch of highway. Speed limits were made for shitty old cars driven by shitty old people that no longer represent the can-do generation inheriting America. WHY MAKE MY CAR GO FAST IF I CAN’T MAKE IT GO FAST, DETROIT? I mean Japan.


Hear me out here: we’re going to kill all the people who run red lights. Speeding while following signage and avoiding more dickish moving violations is a reasonable approach to extending the finite amount of enjoyable time we on this earth. But when you run a red light, you disrupt the entire system of human decency that keeps us from just walking around wantonly nut-punching our enemies. When you run a red light, you violate a code of ethical organization designed specifically to maximize convenience and minimize death. So, therefore, when you run a red light, whether you hit anyone or cause an accident or not, you die. Straight up DMV-administered death penalty.


This law will informally be known as the FUCK YOU STUBHUB Law. The market of ticket reselling is the most insidious institution in the fabric of our great nation. Live music is more than just the best way to experience every type of music except rap (due largely to the impracticality of rapid-fire rhyming in a reverb-heavy mic), it’s the key to maintaining human vitality. Tickets should go to fans, for face value. All those who profit off their ability to deny true fans a chance to see their favorite band because they lack the wherewithal to make a living via less hated means are now, also, subject to the death penalty.


On a serious note, doesn’t that fact that we have even once in our history executed someone who turned out to be innocent make the death penalty the absolute worst policy humans have ever created? Am I missing something here? We’ve accidentally murdered people – many people – legally. That is insane. Even more so than shutting down the government because a few whiny Republican Congressmen think they know better than the people who elected them.


Featured image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

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