By Jon Weidman

Holidays can be rad, yes. They often involve family and parties and food and booze and gifts and time off from work and all the things we wish we could enjoy more. But holiday stress is also a well-documented phenomenon. This is most commonly associated with the major December tentpoles that involve heavy gifting, shitty weather and miserable in-laws. But for me, there’s one holiday that causes more stress than all others. And it’s coming right up.


Last week, while cruising a Los Angeles freeway on a sunny, pleasant day, I got the nightmare question for the first time in 2013: “so, what are you going to be for Halloween?” I shrugged it off – figured my friend was overzealous, no one was thinking about these things. But then last night, on a first date, I got the same question. And this time me being unprepared to answer reflected poorly. This girl already had her several costumes planned for all of five fucking parties she’s planning on attending. I had none.

So anyway, point being, Halloween is very stressful and I hate planning for it. But I do like judging other people and have strong opinions about how everyone but me should plan for it. Here are my Halloween dos and don’ts. Heed carefully.

DO focus on keeping your face clean and attractive.

This is extremely important. Far too many people go over the top and forget about the fact that, all the pageantry notwithstanding, you’re still a human being whose attractiveness will be judged on roughly the same scale as it usually is. It’s great to go above and beyond and cover your face in exotic makeup in order to replicate some deformed character from a movie everyone loves, but if it makes you look ugly and horrible and deformed you’re going to spend the entire night looking ugly and horrible and deformed. And you’re going to a party right? The novelty is going to wear off fast.

DON’T wear a costume that is difficult to move around in.

When I was very young I decided I wanted to be a truck for Halloween. I cut a hole in a large cardboard box and painted it and maneuvered myself inside of it and overall looked pretty good. But then it came time to trick-or-treat, and I could barely fucking move. Which taught me a valuable lesson for future more intensive celebrations. Don’t wear anything that is going to impede your movement and interfere with regular human activity and interaction. Figure out a costume that allows you to fit through doorways.

DO (ladies) just wear something hot if you don’t feel like going super creative.

Literally nothing wrong with the French maid or cat or angel or devil or whatever-with-your-tits-out costume. Again, the novelty wears off in about two seconds. Looking hot is way more important than looking creative.

DON’T (guys) make idiot anti-suave comments.

Just because she’s wearing something hot doesn’t mean she’s interested in you or that your shitty line will work. Especially if it’s about her costume, because it’s not going to be the first time she’s heard that shitty line tonight. Step your game up as you normally would.

Happy Halloween. Try not to stress.


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