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By Jon Weidman

This week, I’m playing around with a new format for Humpday Logic. This column is, well, all about ‘logic,’ so I wanted to look at two somewhat, sort of, even slightly clandestinely related current events that fall on the opposite end of the logic spectrum. One defines logic; the other defies it. And this week, they both are related to the world’s favorite topic: race!

Defines Logic: Releasing DeSean Jackson Because of “Gang Ties”

Well done, Eagles Coach Chip Kelly and all of the other Old White Men who control the football world. In releasing superstar receiver DeSean Jackson in his prime and justifying it with dubious gang ties, you have once again asserted dominance over the nation’s favorite sport, and mind control over those who consume it.

Never mind the fact that a young man from a horribly impoverished neighborhood is almost guaranteed to have a friend or acquaintance (or even family member!) that is to some degree involved in criminal activity. Never mind that this is true for all ethnicities, and should come as no surprise to anyone ever. Never mind that not every vaguely aggressive gesture displayed in the heat of a football game is a gang sign. Never mind that DeSean Jackson has never gotten into any real trouble himself. Obvious rationalities go right out the window in cases of mass hysteria.

You, Chip and Co., saw a young black man from South Central and thought, that’s a guy you can manufacture mass hysteria around. So you circumvented the insane backlash that would inevitably come with releasing one of the most exciting players in football for purely financial reasons by drumming up a vapid fear-mongering discussion about street crime. This kind of unconventional plan may be insidiously racist and unfair, but fucking hell it worked! You’ve gone beyond logic and shown true ingenuity.

Defies Logic: Raging Against “Microaggressions”

You probably saw those plucky Harvard kids who reimagined the selfie by holding up signs with non-politically correct things white people say to them on campus. They are being lauded for their bravery and willingness to call attention to this grave issue!

Except wait what is so fucking grave about tone-deaf white people saying dumb shit. “You’re the whitest black person I know!” That’s not grave that’s just stupid, and as such deserves an easy three-word response: “you are stupid.”

You know what is grave? That 38.2% of black children in this country live in poverty. That black males are incarcerated at six times the rate of white males. But these horrific stats lack the cutesy audaciousness of an Ivy League kid letting you know it ain’t quite all good up in Cambridge. These stats don’t make good Buzzfeed lists, so they don’t generally get discussed.

Point blank: I could give a fuck less about the plight of a Harvard undergrad of any ethnicity when stacked against the broader context of this shitpile society. To donate a fuck’s worth of care to a cupcake predicament defies logic.

And if you waste a second of your time campaigning for these black elites rather than the disenfranchised black poor that really, truly need help, then you fucking defy logic too.

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