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By Jon Weidman

Next week I’m going to write a column about all the things that I will try to do in 2014 – my “resolutions.” This is by no means an original idea for a topic, but I’m hoping that my heart wrenching honesty will make it special. What this means, unfortunately, is that I have to go through a soul-searching and potentially soul-sucking process of self-evaluation. In parsing through all of my shortcomings and insecurities I hopefully will find some tangibly addressable issues that I can decide to “resolve.” But not all of this nasty stuff is tangibly addressable…

There are plenty of things I wish I could resolve but for various reasons probably can’t. In the spirit of Christmas, and in preparation for more productive thinking, I’m going to cleanse my soul of these nagging inferiorities and maybe wish them away ‘cuz that’s how Jesus’ Birthday works right? Right.

I Can’t Play Guitar

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Image courtesy of Static Flickr

My parents are Upper West Siders. I of course had to play something, otherwise I would turn out brain dead. Unfortunately, they stuck me with classical piano. Which, fine. I get it. Beautiful, tangentially related to math, etc. Well, I’ve sucked at math my whole life and now I’ll never be a rockstar. There’s nothing in the world cooler than guitar riffs and I can’t have them. Also the reason this is a wish and not a resolution is because I cannot afford a guitar.

I’ll Never Dunk

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Image courtesy of Legion Report

I spent a huge portion of the first 15 years of my life eyeing my father with murderous rage. Why? The guy is 5’6”. Until around tenth grade, I was 5’2”. This was traumatically stressful. I resigned myself to a life of bitter diminutiveness. Then something miraculous happened. I sprouted up to the towering height of 5’10”. I was firmly an Average American Male. Which, all of this, is just a way to try to convince myself that I’m happy with how tall I am and not tremendously bitter about the fact that never, not one time ever in my life will I do the coolest thing that exists in the world.

It’s Too Late to Be a True Child Prodigy

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Image courtesy of Blogspot

Which is fine, because I never wanted to be a child prodigy when I was growing up. I just wanted to smoke weed and avoid learning Spanish. But what I would like to be is a smash hit success at a super young age. At 25, I’m running out of time. Which means that my best bet is to continue to act like a child until I achieve some windfall victory. That’s what that means.

I’ll Never See Fast and the Furious 7 as Originally Intended

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Image courtesy of Twimg


I’m Not Going to Be a Graffiti Artist

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Image courtesy of ABC News

Aside from a dunker, the other thing I would love to be able to do but know I never will. I love graffiti. I think it should be everywhere. But I have absolutely no artistic talent. I also hate being arrested. My best-case scenario would be to get rich and paint the walls of my mansion for Instagram photo ops, a la Chris Brown and Justin Bieber. But if there’s one thing I know going into 2014 it’s that, for better or worse, I’m no Chris Brown or Justin Bieber.

 

Featured image courtesy of Yahoo

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