Christopher Furlong/Getty Images News/Getty Images Christopher Furlong/Getty Images News/Getty Images
By Jon Weidman

It’s 4:20 A.M. (lol). I’m pretty tired and I have work in a few hours, but I also have some semi-delirious thoughts that I’m compelled to share first. These are the thoughts you never write down, even though they represent a huge part of your hopes and beliefs and subconscious and perhaps contain teachable moments. There are thirteen thoughts here, and the previous one doesn’t count:

1. I feel like New York City owns the concept of fire escapes, even though I know that’s not true.


2. That being said, one of my most distinctive high school memories involves me and my friend sitting on a fire escape on a cop block in the afternoons and smoking weed over top of a flurry of NYPD activity. That feels like an own-able concept for New York City.


3. How soon will weed be legal in New York City? Probably pretty fast, these things seem to come out of nowhere.


4. But isn’t that taking a tremendous amount of credit away from medical marijuana and anti-War on Drugs groups that have been fighting the activist fight for decades? Decades of work? Blood, sweat, tears? THC?


5. I don’t think I could ever devote my life to advocacy in its traditional form because I don’t like committing too deeply to things that I alone can’t change. It makes me nervous and claustrophobic.


6. I can’t tell if I’m actually claustrophobic or just claustrophobic-phobic. I definitely get freaked out in tight spaces, but I get even more freaked out thinking about how bad it would be to be stuck in a tight space and really, truly freaked out.


7. That being said, for a long time my greatest fear aside from shark attack mid-tsunami wave was crawling into some kind of pipe or log and getting stuck exactly in the middle, and then being totally unable to move even though you can see the end of the pipe/log but it’s pretty much impossible to wiggle and all of a sudden a bear comes out of nowhere and starts pawing at your ass.


8. Love bears — the shape, their faces, the very idea. If I could own one non-vicious, typically-vicious pet it would be a bear. I would take it fishing.


9. Totally forgot there’s a dog sitting on the floor of my room right now. It just sneezed. What the fuck is a dog doing sneezing? Sneezing feels like it should be an own-able concept for humans.


10. THAT BEING SAID, I totally forgot about that YouTube video of a panda sneezing and scaring the crap out of her kid. That is the best fucking YouTube video in the history of YouTube videos.


11. Just had a scary thought — I can’t remember when YouTube really took off. I can’t remember life before YouTube. I can easily remember a life before Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. But I can’t remember a life when I wasn’t able to watch videos on the Internet.


12. I do remember when YouTube added the high definition menu thingy, and for some stupid reason I didn’t put my videos in hi-def at first. And I had a friend who always did and I’d snigger at him like “YOU FUCKING VIDEO NERD.” But then one day I tried it and the video was much, much better quality.


13. Humans are dumb. Or maybe just me. I’m probably just tired.

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