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By Drew Villano

If you’re not smuggling alcohol into bars, shows, and events in NYC, it means one of two things: You have a lot of money to burn, or you don’t like to drink. Below are the best ways to smuggle alcohol into almost anywhere in NYC without getting caught, so you can become embarrassingly sloppy on the cheap.

Level 1: Beginner

Movie Theatres

Movie theatres are about the easiest place to “sneak” alcohol into. Everything short of wearing a beer helmet will be ignored by the indifferent theatre employees, who won’t call you out unless your smuggling skills are on a first-grade level.

Do:

– Hide the alcohol in a fabric bag such as a backpack or tote.

– Keep it tucked in a jacket or pants pocket if it’s completely hidden that way; there should be no visible bottle caps or liquor bottle-shaped “mystery” protruding from your jeans.

Don’t:

– Use a plastic bag. Everyone knows what you’ve got in there.

– Let your bottles clink together (if you’re bringing glass).

Bars and Local Shows

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Image Courtesy of Drew Villano

A flask can be easily concealed in a pants pocket, inside jacket pocket, or in the waist of your stockings. But if you’re anything like me, just thinking about a flask’s meager capacity makes you anxious. For larger bottles, the rule is the same; if no one notices, no one will say anything. But don’t try the old vodka-in-a-water-bottle trick; if the bouncer doesn’t tell you to throw it out, he’ll turn you away for assuming you’re doing the opposite of what you’re actually doing: coming in “too drunk” and carrying water to sober up.

Level 2: Intermediate

Museums

I’m pretty sure that as long as your liquid is in a closed plastic container inside a backpack, you can bring it into most museums in NYC. Create your ghetto cocktails inside your soda or juice bottle of choice and proceed to get wasted whilst gazing upon the bones of dinosaurs and other works of art. Just don’t get so drunk that you’re inspired to jump into a painting, Mary Poppins style. Museum staffers are slightly more astute than their theater counterparts.

Level 3: Totally Alcoholic

Serious and Seriously Large Events

The most important thing to ask yourself before smuggling alcohol into a high-security establishment is “What are the rules?”

– Are there metal detectors? (If yes: no flasks)

– Are they searching bags? (If yes: hide it on your body)

– Will there be pat-downs? (If yes: consider your orifices)

– Will I cry if I get caught and barred from the event? (If yes: consider aborting the mission to smuggle altogether)

To attend a NYC music festival I won’t name, I duct taped one plastic bottle of vodka to each of my calves and wore a long, flowing skirt that was opaque and didn’t ride up at the bottom when I walked. If you’re a dude, try to bring a girl who will both wear a long skirt for you and tolerate the wonderful sensation of peeling duct tape off her bare skin.

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Image Courtesy of Drew Villano

I paused before getting in line to see if the security team was patting people down, and they were. However, the chest and waist seemed to be the only areas subject to groping, so I proceeded as planned.

Say a friendly hello to whoever’s letting you in because people appreciate being treated like fellow humans as opposed to the bag-search robots standing between you and the show. This will also make you look less nervous.

Once you’re in, discretely transfer your liquor into water bottles or plastic cups. This means covering it with a jacket while you sit on the ground or doing the switcheroo in the repulsive porta potty while you choke back vomit and try not to touch anything. After that, you’ll be ready to celebrate your victory with your ten friends who weren’t smart enough to do the same thing and drink most of your stash.

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Image Courtesy of Drew Villano

By following this guide, you can combine your frugality and raging alcoholism to go Super Saiyan on your quest to smuggle alcohol into virtually any establishment in New York City.

Happy chuggsville.

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Image Courtesy of Drew Villano

Featured Image Courtesy of Taylor Consulting Group

2 Responses to Let’s Get Weird: How to Smuggle Alcohol Into Anywhere

  1. Jackson says:

    Alcoholism aside, look at the pure economics of the subject; a vodka tonic runs, on average, about $8.00 per; a pint of vodka costs the same amount, and makes about 6 drinks. That’s $1.33 per drink vs. $8.00.

  2. Ograf says:

    And one could also consider, If I need and cannot go without alcohol for an hour or two event, maybe I should be checking the yellow pages for an AA meeting or counselor.

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