Not until I arrived at college did I realize that most high schoolers from outside of the City are strangers to the Summer Internship. While they work as counselors at their old sleepaway camps or part-time instructors at their tennis clubs, we build our bullshit resumes by finding bullshit internships (to be clear, I’m not talking about those I’ve procured since entering college; please don’t fire me, HLN) through the various connections of our parents/aunts and uncles/cousins/therapists/family friends/friends of family friends. So, here I am, not even 20, and five internships deep. As you might imagine, over those five summers I’ve encountered quite a few fellow interns, most of whom — in my experience — can be grouped into one of six different distinct categories. These categories are crucial, you see, because I tend to be a rather judgmental person, and they allow me to expedite my character judgments. All ye Internship Virgins wondering who’ll be filing paperwork next to you, behold. You might be sorting from A to Z among…
1. The Overachievers
I’ll open with an easy one. These (generally) obnoxious creatures seem to go out of their way to make it impossible for you to just, like… achieve. They clock in an hour early and clock out an hour late (even though they haven’t been assigned any extra work and you know you’re not the only one that finds their over-effort pointedly annoying). You’re getting paid minimum wage, and they’re just losing sleep. You just want them to work an eight-hour day like the the fucking rest of us, please.
2. The Slackers
On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have the equally peeving Slackers. They’re utterly incompetent and piss you off to no end, largely because they seem to get away with doing little to no work. You spend many a coffee break wondering how the fuck they landed the job (not for long, though, because you soon realize that they share a last name with your boss).
3. The Braggers
Those inspiring individuals who won’t rest until you’ve memorized all of the impressive internships they’ve scored in summers past. You’ll be tempted to say, “Sweet, guys: just try to remember that we all ended up here. Fucking cool it — no one cares.”
4. The Micromanagers
THE WOOOORST. The Micromanagers usually haven’t any greater a clue as to what they’re doing than you do, but — weirdly anxious to assert themselves (and the underwhelmingly prestigious half-college educations they boast) — they elect themselves Interns-in-Chief, taking it upon themselves to correct negligible grammatical errors in your emails and not-so-quietly judging your Excel activities. Shut them down as soon as humanly possible; every moment spent trying to tolerate them is a (painful) moment wasted.
5. The (Way Too) Fast Friends
These guys are the at the root of all intraoffice textual discomfort. They message you their numbers before you even realize they have yours, and if you go to lunch with them even once, they’ll almost certainly feel free to hit you up with updates on their most recent sexual conquests and reviews of 22 Jump Street. Be kind, but keep your distance; once they decide you’re office BFFs, they’re hard to shake.
6. The Wannabe-New Yorkers
*Sigh.* They buy their first unlimited MetroCard, and suddenly, they have the key to the City. They’ve yet to be informed that high-waisted shorts/high-top Converse and Clubmaster shades do not a “hipster” make, and they’re under the depressing illusion that geotagging their Instagrams at various Brooklyn locales makes them look legit/cool. They often mean well, but if you ask a native, they can be the most insufferable of the lot.
…and if you’re fortunate enough, you might just come across…
I’m that exceedingly chill, silent-runner-of-shit around the office. You can identify me by my laid-back (but ultrachic) style, tanned skin, and stellar wordswomanship.