Whether you’re dating, married or just bumping uglies with someone you met on Tinder, if you’re in a romantic relationship then chances are you’re going to fight…a lot. And if you live in New York City, you can almost guarantee that when you do fight, it’s going to be public. Time is precious here, and just like emails and trips to the dry cleaner, we need to juggle duking it out with our significant other along with all of our other daily chores (it’s called multitasking). Not every location around the city is all right for fighting, so here are some places you should definitely avoid starting World War III with your lover.
1. A Subway Car
When people in other parts of the country get into a fight after leaving a party or coming back from a night out, they get to scream at each other in the privacy of their own car. But for us city dwellers, we have to air our dirty laundry in front of everyone on the C train (which actually smells like dirty laundry). Trying to defend yourself in an argument while trying to keep your voice at a publicly acceptable volume is an exercise in futility. Intense whispering turns into stern talking, which turns into all-out yelling. It’s like playing a high stakes round of “the penis game” — except you both come off looking like dicks.
2. A Subway Restaurant
Shame on you. Go find a deli to fight in, like a real New Yorker.
3. New York Sports Club
The worst thing about getting into a fight while on the treadmill is that no matter how fast you run, you still can’t get away from the asinine argument you’re having with your life partner who’s working out right next to you. If you thought you felt self-conscious about your soft, gooey cinnamon roll of a body at the gym, just wait until you see the stares you get from other people as the two of you lob hate speech because one of you binge watched House of Cards without telling the other. What’s worse, you’re paying upward of $99 a month to fight in someone else’s building.
4. Fifth Avenue Apple Store
Tensions are already riding high as you descend down into that crowded, sweaty, minimalist bunker — like Hitler during his last days (if Hitler needed to have the battery on his MacBook replaced). You’ll immediately kick yourself in the ass for agreeing to accompany your better half to their Genius Bar appointment once the milky white walls start closing in and you take your cabin fever out on each other. Remember, foreign visitors consider the Apple Store a tourist attraction for some strange reason, so be prepared to photobomb some people with your gaped-mouthed rage faces.
5. At Your Office
Any remaining illusions of professionalism you maintained while at your job will melt away just as quickly as it takes you to launch into a cellphone shouting match with your special someone. While you won’t feel as embarrassed as the guy who shit his pants in a meeting or the girl who cried during her performance review, you can probably kiss any chance that your boss or coworkers will take you seriously ever again.
6. Whole Foods
Now this is something I know a little about. Nothing says domestic bliss like food shopping together, and nothing says domestic abuse like fighting while you’re doing it. Whether it’s about which brand of cage-free eggs to buy or whose turn it is to pay, a play-by-play account of your argument will likely be live-tweeted by anyone within earshot. On the bright side, you’re guaranteed to ruin at least a few insufferable Whole Food hipster’s days by upsetting the balance of their Zen-like organic shopping trance.
7. Staten Island Ferry
A sunset ride across New York Harbor with the Statue of Liberty as the backdrop is one of the most romantic (and free) activities the city has to offer, which means you’ll really stick out like a sore thumb when you have a no-holds-barred fight over who used the last of the toilet paper that morning. To add insult to injury, when the fight is over, you’re in fucking Staten Island.
The cattle drive floor plan, the endless variations on the same handful of furniture pieces, the indecipherable Swedish words…The entire store is set up to produce interpersonal rage. Couples don’t fight at IKEA, they break up at IKEA. If you and your significant other can’t agree on which color KUKLURGGENN night stand to buy for the bedroom then chances are you won’t agree on much else in your relationship. Just cut both your losses and end it right then and there. Don’t worry, though. You can start shopping for furniture for your new life almost immediately.